And yet another year...

It's been almost a year since I've written here. I've acquired more secretive and tangible paper journals now, though. I've revisited every few months. With nothing really changing here.

My life, however, has changed significantly as most do over the course of a year. I have a new boyfriend, a new look on life, new friends, new relationships with my family, a new family, a new tan, etc. But one thing that hasn't changed is my passion for writing. Free-writing, of course. When it comes to essays, I struggle with getting started and finishing. After spending a great deal of time on Facebook, I realized that I missed writing. There are several applications for putting writing onto your Facebook, but there are too many people who would read it. Here, however, many people who read this are people I'm okay with reading anything. There's also the fact that not many people in my circles use Xanga anymore. They're all either MySpace junkies or Facebook addicts. People are more likely to be the latter. I've become a stronger person over the course of this year. I've learned how to overcome certain obstacles that were, before, impossibilities. Like the suicidal ideations. Yes, they are an "easy way out", but they're not worth it. One moment's happiness in exchange for a lifetime's? It doesn't seem as preferable as it once did. I've lifted myself out of "oppression" and now see myself as important.

The main reason I came here is to vent... I don't want to vent to anyone in particular or talk to anyone that it may affect. I just want to write with hopes of nobody hearing what I have to say. I have a dilemma. It's a slight one, but an important one nonetheless. I don't want to give it completely away, because then the "answer" would be "obvious" when it truly isn't in my mind. I don't know if there's any other way to explain it, though. I'm currently dating someone. He's really amazing and he's responsible. He's smart, funny... We're very similar and we're pretty different at the same time. But the differences only make the time we spend together more wonderful. Then there's this other boy... He's funny and smart, too. He's more attractive. He likes me, too. I've liked him since I first saw him in December of 2005. And I think I feel more strongly about the guy that I'm not currently dating. I don't feel like I should change anything, because everyone else is fine with the way things are. But it bothers me sometimes when I'm with the person I'm dating and I'm thinking about someone else. It feels wrong. And I feel like I need to sort out my feelings before I take any action. After prom, I told him about it bothering me and he said that he wanted me to be happy and just choose him. I said that I didn't know what I wanted, but I wanted to think about it more. So I did. I broke up with him later that week. I figured that since it was the end of the school year and I'd be going to Georgia for the summer that I'd be able to sort through my emotions and make a satisfactory decision. Almost a week afterward, we got back together. I missed him and us and everything. I still think about the other guy, though. Every once in a while, I dream about him, too. We don't do anything, though. Our boundaries are clearly defined both in reality and in my dreams. So the farthest we'll go is a handhold or a kiss on the cheek in my dreams. I've only hugged him once in real life. The affection isn't the point, but... I don't think I've ever really dreamt of my boyfriend, not even with him in the background. It's just so weird. I know I shouldn't even care about this little thing, but some days, I feel like changing and others I'm glad I didn't. So maybe things should just stay the same. I'm not really hurting anyone, right?

Back-to-School Anxiety

So here we are again. It's time to go back to school and I'm not ready. We've been through all of this plenty of times before, with all of the years of schooling we are required to go through. This time though, I don't want to go to school because I'm afraid of my failure in the IB courses ahead of me. Many think that I of all people have nothing to worry about, but my fears of failure have grown stronger with the passing years.

I've driven a little this summer and I'm very excited for when I am able to get my license. It will be a while, but it will come soon enough.

Relationship status: still single. ^_^ Although I am single, people seem to think I'm going out with Jairo again, which is totally reasonable oddly enough. Jairo and I pretty much just trace endless, connected figure eights. Sometimes we're two peas in a pod and other times we are more distant than all of my other friends. Sometimes we're dating, most others we're not. I wish we could hover around a certain level, instead of being like we are.

Some of my relationship anxieties were oddly and coincidentally captured in a recent strip of xkcd:

Absolute angel, darling. Beautiful, amazing, lively, epitome of my heart. And suddenly my life remembers better times. And suddenly I am able to cry again. A surge of happiness combined with a slight sadness. Another feeling... emerges, triggered by an image. Suddenly I don't need anything else. Suddenly everything around seems to take on a ghostly appearance. All that's left is what I knew I needed all along.

Randomosity x25635345213

I never really update anymore, so I decided that since I was online I would update.

I just pulled an all-nighter and I'm not even tired... It's because I didn't take my sleeping med last night. It's pretty bad 89% of the time if I don't take it because I get all depressed and stuff sometime the next day. I'm fine right now. I'm not tired, but I'm pretty sure my body is stressed by the lack of sleep. I took this opportunity, however, to finish Fight Club, and now I can return it to Max. The reason I didn't take it was kind of stupid, too. I was playing Wii Tennis with Greg until about 0330 and we were kicking butt. My arm was dying, but it was so much fun. It was also nice to see Greg cooperating with me on a team game and being nice to me. It's quite rare to see him that pleasant and fun. Afterwards, I hopped online and got on to my new Facebook account. At first I joined to join the Andrew Rostan group thing and acquire more stalking points (I think I might level up soon ^_^). Now I'm reconnecting with some West Potomac friends! Yay!

SIDE NOTE THING: Andrew Rostan, for those who don't know, was a contestant on Jeopardy recently and he managed to score five victories in a row! How amazing! ^_^ He's no Ken Jennings, but man he's really smart.

I'm currently single! YAY! Although I always look forward to new relationships, I'm going to rest awhile... Maybe. I need to take a break and try not to fly into the direction of last summer where I did something that was so... Eh. Not cool. Yeah. I'm not detailing because you'll know if you need to know. If not, risk asking.  

Summer is finally here and I'm a screw up because I can't seem to time manage. There are too many obstacles... I can't seem to pull myself out of bed in the morning. I'm taking my meds and being a good girl, but I've found myself pretty sad most of the time. Is this normal loneliness and sadness? Or is this some kind of mild depression caused by the absence of medication? Yeah, I know it's only one time, but this is one time of many where I have intentionally not taken the medication so I can stay awake or wake up at a decent hour. I know I need to stop, but I'm going to talk with my doctor about changing to a non-sedative medication so I won't abuse my meds so much. Oh. Back to what I meant to touch on... (XD I'm so sidetracked.) My summer homework is barely half-way done. It's a really short book, but it's so boring and it literally takes forever to read. I've already read the whole book, but I still need to annotate it and all of that crap. I also wanted to join cross country next year, but I've stopped running and started being lazy. I need to run soon.... I also wanted to hang out more, but I don't have much in the the friend department... I need more friends I feel like such a loser sometimes because I don't hang out with people regularly and I need human interaction outside of my family occasionally.

I've also had lots of passive suicidal thoughts lately. I don't act on them anymore, but it bothers me that it still comes up after all of this positive stuff has happened to me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!?!??!?!?

I've heard this freaky tap on my window so often now that it's driving me crazy. On the nights I hear the knocking at my window, there's nobody there. I'm on the fricken second story and I'm hearing shit. It's not trees because the trees are far away from my window, well, at least not within touching distances. I'm not sure if it's my imagination or what, but it needs to stop. Sometimes it's getting my hopes up, too. Sometimes I think it might be Michael coming to see me or something. It never is, of course... The stupid tapping is making me think I'm going crazy. I'm not crazy. Well, I am crazy, but not insane! >_<

No other juicy killer updates, because nothing is happening in my life right now. -___-

Things have been pretty hellish lately. I've isolated myself a little bit. It's not like I have much to isolate from considering I don't really have many friends, but I've done it. I disconnected with Max for a little while. I needed to because of all the anger I was channelling towards him. We're probably going to see each other on Tuesday, though because John's the center of our plans to go to the movies. I hope it's not too awkward and I hope I don't find myself feigning happiness the whole time. I haven't really been feeling great lately. I'm in kind of a rut, the kind where you look up and don't see yourself ever getting out. My lack of companionship may be the source. I've found that I've only been able to connect to the guys that have been or are attracted to me slightly. I want a bigger circle of friends like I had in Texas. I'd like to include some girls. It's been really difficult to find time to build friendships. During the school year, I'm really busy and believe that there's no real time for friends or I'll slip on my grades. During the summer, I don't have contact information or anything. I don't really seek it either. Another obstacle is transportation. My parents no longer drive me around and buses are a pain because I'm so far out. It's approximately a 2 mile walk if I go in the right direction, but that gets tedious after a while.

So yeah. Life's pretty okay. How's yours been?